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And the skies were blue…

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MP

Porsche Boxster vs. Ford Festiva

April 25, 2009 by MP

And the Festiva wins!

Yesterday I witnessed this spectacle. The Boxster had rear-ended the Festiva. The entire front of the Boxster was crunched; the Festiva was unscathed. It was a beautiful sight, and made the 20 minutes of stopped traffic completely worth it.

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The ghost of Hunter S. Thompson

April 21, 2009 by MP

I’m kind of ambivalent about Hunter S. Thompson, but I had a rather crazy occasion once when I had to escort his widow to a bar. Story forthcoming.

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Talk show hilarity

April 21, 2009 by MP

It’s been a few years ago now, but in 2002 I was asked to be a guest on a nationally-syndicated talk show. I can’t post details publicly, but if you ever catch me in person, ask me about it. I’m used to weird things happening to me, but this one took the cake.

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Background: the Cal Poly years

April 9, 2009 by MP

I lived in SLO for seven years. This was a golden era of adventures, experiences, and friendship of a type that could only occur with the following “perfect storm” of factors:

  1. A youthful, eager, and free-spirited age range (early 20’s)
  2. A great number of exceedingly bright people (the college was tech-focused and quite selective)
  3. A small, somewhat isolated town that forced social creativity because there really was not that much to do.

Honestly, people will ask me “you lived there for seven years. What did you do?” and although I can’t honestly think of direct answers to that question, we were never bored.

A brief snapshot of my life during this time:

  • Educationwise, I started off as an Environmental Engineering major. I became dissatisfied with it; partly because the engineering was very difficult, and partly because I was disappointed to find out that there really wasn’t much “environmental” in it. So I changed my major to Ecology, and soon afterward fell in love with taxonomic/research botany.
  • Socially and activitywise, I played in marching band for two years and briefly flirted with a whole host of other clubs and organizations before finding my place in WOW– the Week of Welcome program. WOW defined my college days more than anything else and has forever shaped who I am. Most of the stories from the college era relate to WOW, either directly (such as WOW activities) or indirectly (such as adventures undertaken with WOW friends).

 

Cal Poly SLO '90-'97 historical and hysterical Leave a comment

Countries and states I’ve been to

April 8, 2009 by MP

Countries and US states I’ve been to.

Countries:

  • Canada and Mexico, of course
  • Spain and Portugal (1994)
  • Peru (12/85, 12/01, 12/03, 3/09)

Countries I haven’t visited but most want to: Iceland, China, Greece

States:

Those in green are ones I’ve been to; the ones in red, I haven’t.

* Alabama * Alaska * Arizona * Arkansas * California * Colorado * Connecticut * Delaware * Florida * Georgia * Hawaii * Idaho * Illinois * Indiana * Iowa * Kansas * Kentucky * Louisiana * Maine * Maryland *  Massachusetts * Michigan * Minnesota * Mississippi * Missouri * Montana * Nebraska * Nevada * New Hampshire * New Jersey * New Mexico * New York * North Carolina * North Dakota * Ohio * Oklahoma * Oregon * Pennsylvania * Rhode Island * South Carolina * South Dakota * Tennessee * Texas * Utah * Vermont * Virginia * Washington * West Virginia * Wisconsin * Wyoming *

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Things that are always funny

April 8, 2009 by MP

A list that I began in 2005 or 2006. Because there are certain things that are ALWAYS funny, regardless of context.

Things that are always funny:

  • Farts.
  • Little People. (I know I’m going to get in trouble for this one.)
  • When someone trips and falls.
  • Flamboyantly gay males.
  • Tiny dogs.
  • Anything said with an East Indian accent.
  • (list to be continued…)
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I love it when…

April 8, 2009 by MP

An incomplete and ever-growing list that I began in 2005.

I love it when:

  • there are 2 or more oyster crackers stuck together.
  • The song ends right as you finish parking.
  • A plan comes together.
  • We’re the only two people who noticed that.
  • There’s that little crunchy bit left on the stick after you eat the corn dog.
  • Something arrives in the mail.
  • You talk dirty.
  • Someone else trips.
  • The dog gets in the front seat and pretends like he’s driving.
  • I hear from someone I haven’t heard from in forever.
  • Someone starts a sentence with “Fact:”
  • I turn the pillow over and get the cold side.
  • The restaurant has mac & cheese.
  • I arrive at the Gold Coast.
  • You come back from the bathroom and your food has been served.
  • I open the shampoo and it smells like apples.
  • Interesting people come together and something great results.
  • Someone inspires me and they don’t even know it.
  • The character in the movie yells “Guards! Seize them!”
  • I drive through a big-ass puddle.
  • People throw their hands in the ay-yair and wave ’em like they just don’t care.
  • Hilarity ensues.
  • Someone offers me free food.
  • I dream about flying.
  • Someone at the club is overtaken by an uncontrollable urge to start doing “the robot”.
  • “Multiball” happens.
  • Something stays crunchy, even in milk.
  • My doggie pees on his own foot.
  • Anything talks in Peter Lorre voice.
  • The guy driving the really sweet classic/vintage car is the original owner.
  • There’s a piece of fruit that looks like a butt.
  • We do it first thing in the morning.
  • We have to reconstruct last night over the phone.
  • Strangers have really weird conversations outside the bar right after it closes.
  • My coworker says “effing” and “fucking” in the same sentence.
  • The theater lets you pump your own popcorn butter.
  • Really bad and obvious stock footage is spliced in.
  • (list to be continued…)
I love it when... lists Leave a comment

Life list

April 3, 2009 by MP

Things to do before I kick the bucket. And when they made the list.

  • go to China (Guilin, specifically). (Since I saw the Disney Circlevision China movie in 1985)

    Guilin scenery

    Guilin scenery

  • See a solar eclipse. (Since 1979)
  • Meet Huell Howser. (Since 1996)

    Thats what I said, Huell.

    That's what I said, Huell.

  • Go skydiving. (Since 1990ish)
  • See (but not climb) Mount Everest. (Since 1995)
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Best IM conversation of the year…

December 13, 2008 by MP

…if not the last several years…

Between me and a friend of mine, whom I shall call “Numbnuts” to protect his identity.

——————

Numbnuts (10:17:37 PM): Dude I had the gnarliest dream ever

Me (10:17:51 PM): (corpulent middle aged mutual male friend) vacuuming naked?

Numbnuts (10:17:53 PM): last night I dreamt that someone bet me $10k that I wouldn’t cut off my nipple

Numbnuts (10:17:58 PM): and for some reason, in the dream

Numbnuts (10:18:05 PM): I thought that it wouldn’t hurt or anything

Numbnuts (10:18:13 PM): so I had one of those little pruning shears

Numbnuts (10:18:25 PM): and I reached down and cut off my left nipple

Numbnuts (10:18:41 PM): and this gigantic lightning bolt shot out of it

Numbnuts (10:18:46 PM): and blew a hole in the wall

Numbnuts (10:18:57 PM): It freaked me out so much that I woke up and called my brother

Numbnuts (10:19:08 PM): and then went back to sleep and forgot about it

Me (10:19:16 PM): WOW

Numbnuts (10:19:22 PM): I just remembered it again just now because he called me telling me how fucked up I was

Numbnuts (10:19:33 PM): and I had to spend an hour talking to him convincing him I wasn’t using again

Me (10:19:39 PM): HAHA

Numbnuts (10:19:42 PM): Blue lightning bolt!

 

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She didn’t see the humor in it…

November 1, 2008 by MP

My phone rang a few minutes ago; it was a mystery number but I answered anyway.The person on the other end asked:

“Is this… is this the YMCA?”

To which I answered: “no it isn’t, but if it was, you could get yourself clean and you couldhave a good meal.”

She then just said “thanks” and hung up.

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Being the adventures of a young man whose principal interests are scooters, small comical dogs, SCIENCE!, NxDx, taxonomic botany, The Clash, showgirls, gorillas, serial commas before coordinating conjunctions, and explosions.

Strange, interesting, and fantastic things befall me on an almost daily basis. Hilarity almost invariably ensues.

This is the chronicle of such things.

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