…because I just missed a hell of a picture.
A middle-aged Asian woman in “leisure pants” (not sure of a better word) and flip-flops. Slowly walking down my street. Carrying a glass jar full of marble-sized spherical white objects of some sort. And a 4-foot snake.
My mom forwarded me an offer for a “free weekend of eHarmony.”
1. Gee thanks.
2. Pretty sure they wouldn’t take me anyway.
3. Wait– what is she doing looking into things like that?!?
That would be one of the best compliments I’ve ever gotten. Courtesy of dear, dear friend Jewel of Denial.
It’s in reference to a rather legendary room party I have come to host every year at the annual Burlesque Hall of Fame Pageant in Las Vegas. I’m part of the production team; it’s my favorite weekend of the entire year and it is NEXT WEEKEND!!
A few weeks ago, I posted a story about my t-shirt saving me from Jehovah’s witnesses. The t-shirt has this design screenprinted on it:
This is screenprinted on the t-shirt.
The other day, I happened to be wearing the shirt. I went into a Chipotle restaurant and ordered a burrito.
The guy behind the counter pointed at my shirt and said “whoooooooa!”
I demanded his soul on the spot.
I just had a hay fever sneeze so violent that it merited a muffled “bless you!” shouted up through the floor from the neighbor below.
This morning, a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses just happened to be walking by when I took the dogs out for their morning poop. And they just happened to approach me and tried to catch my attention. We made eye contact and they moved in for the kill; but something caused them to pause and then continue on without addressing me.
I’m guessing it was my t-shirt that has, printed on the front, a fake name tag that looks like this:
This is screenprinted on the t-shirt.
The AT&T guy just came and installed DSL. It comes with its own wireless gateway that puts out a wireless signal that all the surrounding neighbors can see. (Password-protected, of course, but they can still see it.)
Anyway, the first thing I did when he left was to go into the configuration and change the name of the wireless network from “2WIRE820” to:
“ALICE COOPER IS YOUR NIGHTMARE”
PG&E phone representative: “Is there anything else I can do for you today?”
Me: “Yes. I think you should throw your hands in the ay-yair. And wave ’em like you just don’t care.”
PG&E rep: “I’m doing it RIGHT NOW.”
This is a true story that just recently happened to a friend of mine whose identity will remain anonymous. But it was just too funny of a twist on things to not post about it.
A few months ago, she met a guy on a dating site. They hit it off quite well… emails and lengthy late-night phone calls, over the course of several weeks. Love was definitely in the air… there was a real connection.
He happened to be a doctor, and was heading to Africa as part of a humanitarian medical program. However, something bad happened there: while in a taxi, he was ambushed and robbed. The driver was killed. He took a bullet and was in the hospital, with no wallet and only able to send out an occasional message. Waiting for his communiques was agonizing because of the extreme uncertainty. Worried beyond belief and wanting to help, my friend sent him some money. A few hundred dollars. She couldn’t send more, but she wanted to help out someone she’d become close with.
Turned out he was a Nigerian scammer. And the taxi ambush and subsequent hospital trip were fictional.
But the best part? He fessed up to her because he had fallen for her.
Now it could be argued that his saying so was just another line fed to her in the scam, but I think it’s unlikely because now that she knew the truth, she certainly wasn’t going to send any more money.
But I was wrong– that wasn’t the best part. The REAL best part is this: she says that they are friends now and still talk sometimes.
No word if she got a refund.
…if not the last several years…
Between me and a friend of mine, whom I shall call “Numbnuts” to protect his identity.
——————
Numbnuts (10:17:37 PM): Dude I had the gnarliest dream ever
Me (10:17:51 PM): (corpulent middle aged mutual male friend) vacuuming naked?
Numbnuts (10:17:53 PM): last night I dreamt that someone bet me $10k that I wouldn’t cut off my nipple
Numbnuts (10:17:58 PM): and for some reason, in the dream
Numbnuts (10:18:05 PM): I thought that it wouldn’t hurt or anything
Numbnuts (10:18:13 PM): so I had one of those little pruning shears
Numbnuts (10:18:25 PM): and I reached down and cut off my left nipple
Numbnuts (10:18:41 PM): and this gigantic lightning bolt shot out of it
Numbnuts (10:18:46 PM): and blew a hole in the wall
Numbnuts (10:18:57 PM): It freaked me out so much that I woke up and called my brother
Numbnuts (10:19:08 PM): and then went back to sleep and forgot about it
Me (10:19:16 PM): WOW
Numbnuts (10:19:22 PM): I just remembered it again just now because he called me telling me how fucked up I was
Numbnuts (10:19:33 PM): and I had to spend an hour talking to him convincing him I wasn’t using again
Me (10:19:39 PM): HAHA
Numbnuts (10:19:42 PM): Blue lightning bolt!