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VLV t-shirt slogans.

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VLV t-shirt slogans.

 

 

VLV t-shirt slogans.  This is what I’ve come up with after only a tiny bit of thought.  So by all means, please contribute to this list!  I can’t wait!

You win.  You are more rockabilly than I am.

Sorry, the cuffs on your jeans do not meet VLV requirements.

Whassamatta—too tough-guy to afford a wristband?

Trying not to look desperate

You are repulsive, but I’m drunk.

Trolling for skank

It’s okay, my car doesn’t run either

This is my car show dress.

My car is out of oil.  Can I wipe some off your hair?

Save the Orcabetties!

PBR:  still the one, since 2003

My other car is a Saturn

I chose this t-shirt because it matches my parasol

EAST LOUNGE CHOPPERS

I buy stuff from your vintage shop to resell at my vintage shop

 

How about that. Filed 12/17/05.

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A bit of solid gold from the “Police Blotter” in this morning’s San Mateo Daily Journal:

Civil Matters.  An uncertified mechanic was paid $300 to fix a woman’s vehicle on the 700 block of San Anselmo Avenue around 10:49pm Monday, Dec. 19. [ed. note from me:  this is not the time of day to go about car repairs.]  He took the vehicle apart and would only continue working on it in exchange for sex.

A little ponderance for the morning. Or: thanks for the tip, Hawkeye

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On AM news radio this morning:  “Coming up after the break, Alan Alda will tell us his new man-law that should never be broken:  never have your dog stuffed!”

The question-begging is more than obvious:  Alan Alda?  Man-laws?

In terms of being qualified to dish out man-laws, I’d say that he’s in the same category as Richard Simmons, Christopher Lowell, and the singer of the Spin Doctors.  Maybe we could put them all in a battle royale cage match with Julia Childs and see who wins.

And yes, I know that Julia Childs is dead.

True story. Filed 8/23/05.

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Anyway, about two weeks ago, I was driving down the street, on my way into work.  Some jackass in a Mustang (ed. note: those two things are often synonymous) kept racing/weaving/darting in and out of traffic, only to still get caught at the same lights that I was.

From the junebug-green Mustang, his stereo was thumping loudly and I tried to just ignore it.  But when he pulled up next to me, I was shocked.  I figured it would be Snoop, Sublime, 50 Cent, etc.  But no– what I thought I was hearing was something far different.

I slyly cracked the window to confirm that my ears weren’t deceiving me.  And yes, there it was– unmistakeably and at top volume–

Juice Newton’s “Queen of Hearts.”

I tell you, the joker ain’t the only fool…

-mig.

Confessions from a Starbucks. April 14, 2005.

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I’m here at a Starbucks in NYC, using their wireless internet. (There are about 40 Starbucks in lower Manhattan… it makes it very easy for me to get online.) It’s a very large store– the largest one I’ve seen– there are about 50 tables’ worth of people sitting down engaged in various activities. In the past couple hours of sitting here working on the computer, here’s what I’ve seen inside this store:

  • one guy who locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out, resulting in a hilarious shouting match through the door between him and the management. He wasn’t even a homeless person– he was a nicely-dressed, paying customer.
  • One old guy in a leather motorcycle jacket, slowly blowing up several balloons for no obvious reason.
  • The proverbial “guy talking to himself.” I have a feeling that in Manhattan, this is a rather standard thing to see.
  • Just now, some man came in, followed by three young girls. He held a light-up plastic sword aloft. They all slowly conducted their own parade through the store, then left.

The other day on the subway, I saw a bumfight and a guy playing bagpipes.

Thank you, universe, for the puppet show you’ve given me here in New York!

The Man himself.

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Today is Tom’s birthday. No, NOT the guy who is everybody’s friend on Myspace. I’m talking about Jefferson. He is 262 fingers old. If you know me, then you know that I’m an avid Jeffersonian and that today is on the calendar for me every year. Yes, he was not perfect (re: Sally Hemmings/paternity issues.) But he was a hell of a guy nevertheless. A little recap of some of his accomplishments: –wrote Declaration of Independence at age 33 –arranged the Louisiana Purchase –arranged Lewis/Clark expedition to survey natural resources of the L.P. –vice-president and president of U.S. –architect –classical musician –inventor –his personal library was the beginnings of the Library of Congress –founded the University of Virginia –trade commissioner in France –superb naturalist and botanist –Secretary of State under Washington –author of an amazing document on religious freedom –badass gardener –governor of Virginia –decided that our system of money should be based on the decimal system (yep, that was him) So when we all sit around and complain about some of the ordinary pedestrian b.s. that annoys us, look at old Tom, think about how much potential each person has, and ask yourself: What Would Jefferson Do?

p.s. go read him.

True story. February 1st, 2005.

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This morning on my way in to work, I found myself in the elevator with a guy who works on my floor, but in the other company’s office. He was a basic Silicon Valley type: middle-aged, scrawny, nerdy. Think: an affable version of Gates minus the multi-billions. Riding up the elevator, he nervously commented on the new carpeting job in the building– the grimy teal carpet had recently been replaced with new dark brown carpet. Which matches the brown marble walls much better. The color match was an improvement– because the combination of dark brown and teal, he nervously joked, “made me want to puke.” And as he shuffled off, I noticed that he was wearing pants and a jacket that were dark brown… and a teal-colored shirt.

I need your (quick!) vote.

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I’m entered in the Viva Las Vegas burlesque contest, and I need your votes to help make it into the finals! To vote, go to the Viva Las Vegas site, then click the “Burlesque competition” link. Then… VOTE FOR THE MONKEY. Or just use this link to go directly to the voting page. It logs IP addresses to prevent blatant ballot stuffing. But I hope you will all vote for me anyway to help put me in the finals, which are in Vegas in March. Thanks! -Gorilla X, Gorilla to the Stars